Be Safe
by BonitaChic
Summary: As Nessie gets older, Edward just wants Jacob to be safe with her. The inevitable sex talk. A humorous one shot.


Normal

Jacob POV

I walked swiftly up the porch steps of the mansion and turned the knob on the front door.

"What the?" I muttered in surprise. The door was locked.

"Huh. That's weird." The Cullen's front door was never locked. It's not like they were afraid of burglars while they slept or something. _I'm sure they'd enjoy the mid-night delivery service_, I snickered to myself. I still couldn't resist a good mental jibe every once in a while.

I raised my hand and knocked on the door. Maybe Blondie was trying to tell me I wasn't welcome. It would take more than a locked door to keep me away from Nessie though.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when the front door was pulled open suddenly. I expected to see Nessie there with her customary greeting for me – an infections smile and a hug. Instead I saw Edward, with a grimace on his face.

"Jacob" he greeted stiffly.

"Hey. Uh, is Nessie here?" I asked awkwardly. I wasn't used to being blocked at the door and it felt awkward to ask for her. I leaned my head to the side trying to see into the house past Edward. He automatically shifted, blocking my view.

"Actually, no. She's with Bella right now. They're out on an errand." he clarified. "But I did want to speak with you. Privately. Please come in." He finally moved aside for me to enter the house.

This was weird. Edward never wanted to talk to me privately. Over the years we had come to an unspoken understanding. I got the feeling he had just gotten used to putting up with my presence. First because of Bella's and my friendship and now because of Nessie. I wondered what he wanted to talk about.

"Please, have a seat." He motioned to one of the pristine white couches and I sat stiffly. We sat there in awkward silence. I could tell he had something to say, but he wasn't saying anything. I started counting in my head – _one awkward moment, two awkward moment, three awkward moment. _He grimaced to himself and shook his head slightly. It was like he needed to talk about something, but really didn't want to. I wished he would just spit it out.

"Look, Jacob. You're right. I need to say something. I just never thought I would be having this conversation and I suppose I haven't fully prepared myself for the," he paused in thought, "well the awkwardness of this situation." He motioned between us with his hand indicting the two of us sitting there.

"Just say what you have to say. I'm a big boy, I can take whatever the mean vampire has to say." I joked. He could be so formal and tense. It couldn't be _that_ bad. If he wanted to talk some vampire-werewolf stuff, or treaty business or whatever, I could handle it. I settled into my Alpha mode for whatever was coming next.

"Right. Well, it's more like father-of-the-girl-you're-in-love-with stuff." he responded to my thoughts. He strung his words together so quickly I almost didn't catch what he said. Of course, when I did realize what he said, I felt suddenly nervous.

"Okaaay?" I dragged out the word, unsure if I was prepared to hear what he had to say after all.

"I know that you and Nessie have not been, um, well, intimate." We both grimaced in discomfort. This was going to be bad.

"And I realize that you aren't thinking that way about her right now, because that's not what she's thinking about." he allowed.

"But it's been 7 years now. Mentally and physically Nessie is the same as an 18 year old. And I _know_ how her mother was at 18." He paused and sighed in exasperation remembering his experiences with Bella.

The little I had heard about this was frightening. I didn't want to think about that. Comparing him and Bella to me and Nessie was, well, disturbing. It wasn't like that with Nessie.

"Woah. Woah." I interrupted. "You _know_ I don't have thoughts about Nessie like that. Our relationship isn't like that –"

"Not _yet_." He qualified.

"But the point is" he continued, "soon enough she may decide that she is interested in you 'that way'. And I know that neither of you were raised with the same ideas as I was, so you're, um 'expectations' are in question." I could hear the air quotes around his euphemisms. This was obviously uncomfortable for him as well, but he was clearly determined to have this conversation.

I squirmed in my seat. I prayed I was not about to have a "what are your intentions with my daughter" talk. This was too weird. My ex-rival, possible future father-in-law, who looked younger than I did now, was going to grill me about my intentions with his daughter. Intentions I didn't even have yet.

"Look." he continued. His tone conveyed almost the same amount of embarrassment as I was feeling.

"What I'm trying to say is … I know that my personal thoughts on abstinence before marriage are not shared by today's generation -" I groaned internally, "and while I hope that you won't take this step for a long, long, _long_ time –or never" he said under his breath, "Bella and I just want to make sure that whatever happens, you two are 'safe'."

I resisted the urge to cover my eyes at the thought of him and Bella discussing my and Nessie's non-existent sex life. Could this be more embarrassing?

"So um, rather than forcing you to sneak around and make hasty decisions, we just want to make sure that if you two do decide to… take that step, that you use the proper um, prophylactics." He ran his hand through his hair-- an unconscious gesture of stress. Yes, apparently this _could_ be more embarrassing. I thought I might die.

If possible he looked even more uncomfortable as he reached behind him to pull out a white paper bag.

"So, um" he continued. _There's more?!_ I screamed in my head. "These are for you." he finished.

He thrust the paper bag into my hands. I foolishly opened the bag to reveal several packages of condoms. I whipped the bag closed and tossed it onto the couch beside me as if it were red-hot. I had expected a few times in my life that Edward might try to kill me. I had no idea he could do it without even touching me. I could die _right now_.

"Just. Be safe." He got up quickly and left the room. I sat there, stunned by the surreal conversation that had just taken place.

My daze of disbelief continued until Nessie's happy voice sounded near me, snapping me out of it. She must have returned from her errands.

"Hey Jake!" she greeted me with her customary smile and hug. "What's in the bag?" she asked, reaching for it.

"Nothing." I snatched the bag out of her reach, mortified, and shoved it into my jacket pocket.

Never in my life did I think I would have _that_ conversation with Edward. I wasn't about to repeat it to Nessie -- let alone show her the evidence. I distracted her with the offer of ice cream sundaes as the 'prophylactics' burned a hole in my pocket-- where they would stay for as long as I could help it.

**AN: Sorry- I forgot to add this the first time- No copy right infringement is intended. All of it belongs to Stephanie Meyer. Just couldn't resist. You **_**know**_** this conversation has to happen. Ahh the awkwardness.**


End file.
